Money

I don't know where I go wrong. I'm not an extravagant person, I don't have expensive habits (hairdresser once every 6 months maximum, and 18 months most recently, no beauty salons, no nail salons, no expensive clothes or shoes, no nights out, no restaurants... you get my drift) and I'm not - contrary to what D once accused me of - a gambler.

But...

Here I am, once again, so overdrawn and broke and freaked out that I don't know what to do. I work hard, I pay my bills, I do my best to find bargains, to not overspend. But it doesn't work. And I don't have a clue what to do about it.

Right now, checks are bouncing, direct debits are being refused and I'm up shit's creek. People owe me money, for sure (54 hours' teaching from September to December 2010 supposedly paid in March will only be paid at the end of this month (if I'm lucky), the remaining 76 hours, for teaching from January to April, supposedly paid at the end of this month will now only be paid in September/October, the whole adding up to about €4,500, plus a few clients here and there, but nothing major), but it always feels so hand-to-mouth. I have no savings, no "equity" (apart from my flat, but I don't even own that outright at the moment - still another 6.5 years to go), just loans, debts and obligations.

I find the whole thing unbelievably depressing. I can't afford to go anywhere, do anything. Checking my bank account on line every morning is an ordeal and an exercise in damage control, transferring sums from my private account to my professional account (or the opposite) just to avoid more bank charges.

There isn't much more I can cut from my life - I can't take the girls out of their school and where else does the money go? Taxes, social contributions, loan repayments, bills, food shopping...

I try to be positive, to believe in myself and my ability to pull myself out of this hole, but I'm 42, I'm still not solvent, I'm alone, I work a lot and earn nothing, I have no savings so my "retirement" will be a nightmare, I have no social life and couldn't afford one even if it were possible.

Where did I go so badly wrong? And what the fuck can I do about it?