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vendredi 25 mars 2016


To quote a well-known song,

"My soul is spiralling in frozen fractals all around".

And of course, I'm finding it hugely difficult to just "let it go"...

Things are, once again, dire.

My combined "wealth" (if you can call it that), meaning my current account plus my savings account plus the money owed to me by clients who haven't yet paid for past work comes to the princely sum of (at most) €7,000. That doesn't sound particularly dire, until you realise that:

a) I have done virtually no work whatsoever for several weeks and have none on the horizon;
b) in addition to all the standard stuff I have to pay out every month (which already comes to around €1,500), I have to pay an extra €1,100 every month till June for my retirement fund debt from 2014-2015, plus €1,300 to pay in 3 weeks for my retirement fund for the first half of 2016;
c) if you add all that up, you'll figure out that I'm solvent till about the end of April, and then... the void.

My stress levels are through the roof. I have started trying to find work, but the three former clients I've contacted have been no help whatsoever: the first said they'd found someone cheaper, the second said they'd found someone more expensive but in a bigger structure, and the third said they "just preferred the other person's profile". I can't really draw any serious conclusions from that.

I've reached out to translators' fora and work exchange sites, but that's going to take time to bear fruit. I've started working on my website, but that's also a work-in-progress that's unlikely to bear fruit for a while. I've even applied for a salaried position I don't particularly want, just to see if anyone even considers me employable.

So that's the professional crap.

On the personal side, L is still struggling mightily with life in general. She's developping severe insomnia, she's refusing to have any contact whatsoever with her father (and so is living exclusively with me) and totally ignores the existence of her sister. If L crosses paths with either of them, there will be insults, shouting and (in the end) tears. It's hideous. Despite all this, she's doing pretty well at school, with her class teacher even telling us that she's "perfect"... It's like there are two versions of her - the one at school and the one not at school.

The result of all this is that C is ignoring me. I sometimes see her in the street on her way to or from school - I say "hello", she says "hello" back, and that's about it. I'm pretty sure she would rather have nothing to do with me at all. As it is, I probably spend less than 5 minutes a week with her.

To be honest, as distressing as all this is, my every waking moment is consumed with worry about money. I even dream about it.

I am so very, very tired of all this. I feel totally trapped. I am trying to be active, to kick-start things, but I hate phoning people, hate begging for work - even more so given that the three contacts I did make all gave a different reason for no longer wanting to work with me.

So, yeah. I really do feel that my soul (what's left of it) is spiralling (down, down, down) and that there are frozen fractals all around me.

So far, 2016 can just suck it, to be honest.